What Your Porn Category Says About You

DeviantClip Porn Categories

Ever wondered what people from Nevada watch when they’re jerking off?

Have you spent sleepless nights pondering the porn habits of Pennsylvania?

Do you dream of the dirt that Delawareans diddle themselves to? Well, your questions have been answered!

We posted before This Is How Much Time America Spends On Porn, providing a map of the United States most searched porn categories by State.

Delaware loves milfs, Pennsylvania loves college girls, and people in Nevada really love Anita Queen, a porn star from the Czech Republic.

DaChix Porn Categories

As a country we are fascinated by creampies, teens, and milfs. As an experiment I decided to take a cross-section of my coworkers and poll them on their own masturbation habits.

I work in a porn office so I figured their answers would be a little skewed. When you look at naked women for 40+ hours a week you get a little desensitized to the run-of-the-mill teen dildo scenes.

I expected the creeps at my office to tell me they have to search things like, “Asian + Machine + Grandma + Teletubby + Latex + PVC Pipe” to get their dicks hard. What they told me was truly shocking.

Most of the guys want to watch the totally normal stuff. They search for big tits, asses, and blowjobs. Really? That’s it? No “water torture + fish hooks + extreme fisting + Kate Middleton” searches? I couldn’t believe it.

I decided to take the cross-section of men I interviewed and delve a little deeper into their favorite categories.

Their search terms may not be depraved, but the psychology behind their search terms says a lot about their personalities.

Here are the most popular categories at my office and what they say about the people that search for them:

 

Asian: Asian is a broad term. If we’re talking South Korean beauty pageant contestant gets fucked then ok, that could be sexy.

Everyone knows hot Asian girls are like unicorns—rare and truly magnificent. If you’re looking for a cute Asian girl then I’m cool with you.

Anal-Asian-Porn

You’re the kind of person who loves playing The Settlers of Catan and eating Funyuns off your stomach when you’re lying down.

If you’re looking for Asian girls fucking hot curling irons and crying then you’re the kind of person that should be sent to Gitmo. Full stop.

Amateur: You’re the kind of person that stares too long at high schoolgirls and you order your coffee black but secretly love flavored coffee creamer.

You are moderately attractive and have a decent relationship with your mom.

Ass: You are either from the Midwest or Latin and you have inadvertently bitten a woman dangerously hard on the ass one time. You often have dreams about clouds.

Black Chicks: Searching for black chicks means you love rap music and violently defend Kanye’s new album.

If you’re white you feel very conflicted about racial equality after you come.

If you’re black you aren’t watching black porn because you love watching white chicks bounce around so this isn’t applicable to you.

Blowjobs: This category is solely for people who weren’t laid until college. Who wants to watch a blowjob?

Big Tits: Mommy issues. Obviously.

College: This category is for older men who played JV football and desperately want to return to a time where they weren’t financially obligated to support a bitch ex-wife and three money-grubbing shit hole children.

Creampie: This is a category for men with secret eating disorders.

Feet: This category is reserved for really strange people. Why do you want to watch women rub their feet on a dick?

Do you know where feet go every day? It’s nasty. You’re nasty. But if you want to come over and rub my feet I’m totes down for that.

Fetish: Again, this is a broad category. Are you searching for “medical porn”? Then you’re a serial killer.

Are you searching for “female domination”? You’re a mommy’s boy who failed 1st grade. Are you looking for “cock and ball torture”?

Then you’re a serial killer who failed first grade.

Fingered: You haven’t been on a successful date in over three years.

First Time:  You own a masturbation device and love Deviled eggs.

Gangbang: You have slept with under two women.

H.D.: You have a lot of mysterious purchases on your credit card statement and receive lots of unmarked packages to your house.

Japanese: YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF AND THEN EXECUTED.

Latina: You are from the Midwest and you love corn.

Lesbian: After a first date the woman usually says to you: “I feel so connected to you, I can really see us being great friends!”

Lesbian Tribbing

MILF: Mommy issues. Also, you have a recurring fantasy that your cleaning lady walks in on you masturbating and washes your dick with Pine-Sol.

P.O.V.: You have grainy cell-phone video of your ex-girlfriend giving you head. You cry every time you watch it.

Real Couples: See above.

Stockings: You are Jewish.

Teen: You have a P.O. Box and used to write fan letters to W.W.E. wrestlers.

Toon: You live in your parent’s basement with five ferrets all named after Steve Buscemi characters.

White Chicks: You really wish The WB would bring back The Wayans Bros.

What I took away from this experiment is that no matter how much porn you watch you can always watch more.

And next to baseball, there’s nothing more American than fapping your dick to a “Milf + teen + creampie” three minute, grainy porn clip.

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